drama interrupted
Monday, March 3, 2008most of the time, i find myself debating with myself when confronted with anger or despair. i ask if feeling angry or agonizing over something is worth it. i weigh the pros and the cons of feeling the feeling, and the logic behind the reason for feeling that feeling.
for example, something triggered my angry buttons, i’ll ask myself why i feel angry and resolve if being angry is logical. i ask, am i just being dramatic or is it reasonable to feel angry? if i can’t resolve whether i’m just being a drama queen, i then proceed with weighing the pros and the cons of being angry. i ask myself if i’ll be better off being angry or if i’m better off ignoring the trigger. i bother myself with the never-ending so what question. in weighing the pros and the cons i ask, eh ano naman ngayon? may mapapala ka dyan ha? more often than not, the resolution is i would be better off dead. haha. but seriously, i realize after evaluating the triggers and the emotions themselves, i feel that it’s better not to "emote".
it works, i think. however, sometimes i wonder if this kind of defense mechanism is emotionally healthy. i still feel intense anger or intense despair from time to time pero lagi nauudlot because i analyze in efforts to stay logical. but is it logical to rationalize a feeling? or are feelings naturally irrational thus i should just embrace it without question? *sigh*
