not amused

i can’t shake off the resentment, dissatisfaction, frustration, angst, bitterness that i feel towards work.  in my efforts to alleviate the bitterness, i went on leave for 2 and a half days.  only the half day was a scheduled leave.  so for this week i only spent two whole days in the office - monday and today.  well, after all that time away from work nothing has changed i still feel bitter.

what in heaven’s name is my problem you might ask?  well, the problem is i feel constricted.  i feel that my current responsibilities are simply not enough.  one, i’m bounded by the job description.  two, tasks and responsibilities are scarce.  even if i want to take on more and i can take on more, there isn’t any more out there. 

i think i have gotten used to this job that it’s no longer challenging. 

pissed at work

we have this employee engagement team in the company.  and if only i can, i’d like to tell them that:  I AM NOT ENGAGED!   but really, this isn’t anybody’s problem but mine.  i have a frustrating job in a depressing team.  i feel imprisoned. 

this isn’t good.  i came in early, went out early for lunch and now i plan to leave early (undertime).  i have to snap out of this pessimistic frame of mind. 

q&a

got this tag from francine.  thanks sis!

1. whats your latest addiction?
- philip pullman’s his dark materials.  i’m now on his third book, the amber spyglass.

2. What are you listening to?
- these are the songs in my on-the-go list: cyclone, the sweet escape, feedback, whine up, no air, please don’t stop the music, umbrella, go girl, hey now now, low, just the way i are

3. How late did you stay up last night and why?
- haven’t slept.  celebrated danie’s birthday last night.

4. Who were you with last friday night?
- all by myself hahahaha.  went home early to “study”.

5. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
- hhhmmm….. i don’t know.  i don’t even know if i’m even ready for one.

6. When is the next time you’ll see your close friends?
- close friend, singular.  my other friends are non-existent because they are in lovey dovey land.  this wednesday we’ll have our regular ube nights.

7. What were you doing this morning at 7am?
- debating with myself if i should sleep or not.

8. What radio station do you listen to the most?
- i don’t listen to the radio anymore.

9. What was the reason you last cried?
- can’t remember the incident but most probably it’s because of frustration.

10. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
- high on drugs?  i don’t think so.

11. What’s the fifth text in your inbox say?
- message from a friend trying his luck to make bola.

12.Where was the last coffee shop u go?
- starbucks in greenbelt

13.Whats ur outfit right now?
- the usual pambahay - comfortable t-shirt (translation: old shirt) and maong shorts

16. What were you doing at 11pm last night?
- we were on our way to a gay bar

17. Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?
- danie

18. Will you be driving in a year?
- i can drive if i want to but i don’t.  it’s hazardous to my mental health.

19. Is there anything that you are craving right now?
- pancakes

20. When did your last hug take place?
- i can’t remember (translation: tigang hahaha.)

22. Have you ever started a sentence with “No offense, but…”?
- not in the past 6months

23. Do you drink tea?
- yes

24.Have you ever been arrested?
- hell no.

25. Have you rode in someone else’s car today?
- nope

26. Have you made a mistake this past week?
- yes, everyday.

27. Who was the last person you texted?
- my mom

28. Are you happy with your life right now?
- not happy but not unhappy either

29. In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence?
- of alcohol?  quite.

30. What’s the connection between you and the last person you texted?
- she’s my mother.

i’m tagging: prof morrie, emcee,  and kat.

words of wisdon from a cold-hearted queen

i had an interesting conversation with s about dealing with relationships.  s has been my friend since grade 5 but we speak more often now that she lives in the states than when she was here.  anyway, i digress.  i asked s if she has ever been broken hearted.  of course, i had to prep her a bit before i asked that super corny question.  i told her that i only asked because i think of her as a stone cold ice queen when it comes to her relationships.

she told me that she did suffer from this pitiful state of the heart when her boyfriend in college cheated on her.  but in my head i was like, college?  college is pre-historic already!?!  maybe she read what was on my mind so she said, “it only takes one for me to learn”.  whoa!  s is really an empowered woman.  she also said that her dad used to be her idol and when she found out about her dad’s second family she was devastated.  from then on, she didn’t forget what guys are.

i feel a bit of bitterness there.  but bitterness made her stronger.  she’s not a man-hater or anything like that.  she cares for her boyfriends but she doesn’t let herself fall.  i think that’s the secret if you want to keep your sanity in the cruel world of relationships.  be close but not too close.  reach out but hold back. 

these past few days…

i’ve been busy and not busy at the same time (if that’s possible).

i tried to recall what i did last friday and could not even remember.  what the heck!  memory loss.  (after five minutes of thinking hard)  ahh, yes that was the day i decided to wear a dress.  the day i wear a dress is usually a day when i don’t expect anything to happen.  i don’t wear a dress when i have plans after work.  that’s probably why i can’t remember my friday.  i went home relatively early that day to my mom’s surprise.  hahaha.

my saturday and sunday were spent as an mba student trying to make sense out of a finance case.  i went all the way to cainta to meet with my groupmates.  as it turns out that all of them live there.  i met them at rob metroeast so we can go together to m’s house.  i think that was my first time in metroeast and most probably not the last.  there are still 5 cases left to work on.  yikes!

yesterday i wasted a lot of time.  i wasn’t in the mood to work so i tried to read the case for innovation every once in a while.  after work, i met with my finance groupmates but we didn’t accomplish much.  i had my favorite cinnamon swirl for dinner partnered with white chocolate mocha.  delicious!   ah yes, i also tried to answer the case questions for innovation before i went to bed.  but again that was a waste of time and electricity. 

today i had meetings here and there.  i worked on the innovation case for later.  i don’t think i was able to come up with a good paper so apologies to my groupmates.  bawi na lang ako next time.     after class, we will again meet for finance.  hay!  aral, aral, aral…

bangs?

i’m thinking of a new hairdo.  i’m very comfortable with my boring one-length hairstyle but i think i miss my long bangs.  

boring hairstyle
advantages:  easy to manage, looks relatively tidy,  hair does not get in the way - does not cover the face or eyes
disadvantage:  boring
look:  old conservative hag

with bangs
advantages:  uhm, nothing really.  just for a change.
disadvantages:  it gets in the way especially when i’m working.  i have to wear little clips to tame the hair. 
look: pa-tweetums

i think i better stick with the old conservative hag hairstyle.  highlights would probably be better. 

star-studded ube night

last night kenny of etc’s chillspot and singer jay-ar graced our ube nights.  hahahaha.  i must say both of the these men can be called hunks because of their physique but i like kenny more.  i would have wanted to have a picture taken with him but what the heck will i do with a picture.  plus i reminded myself that i HATE local showbiz so deadma na lang. 

surprisingly, i didn’t enjoy my taco bell meal last night.  i love love love taco bell.  i used to have taco bell during lunch almost everyday but last night i just didn’t enjoy it.  still good but the satisfaction level is way below normal.  jo and i should have tried a new place to dine in but we or i got distracted because a distraction arrived.  i want to write about the distraction but it will be to emo to write about it so deadma na lang ulit.  :)

sorting things out loud

• last night was just like old times but i am not 22 anymore.  
• two damaged individuals cannot be together but why in heaven’s name is fate keeping them together?  julio at julia kambal ng tadhana?
• the strength of one partner is not enough for two people. 
• the 25 year old me was able to handle the drama better than before but can I constantly deal with drama? 
• the drama was reasonable enough says the romantic.
• the neurons say that the reaction to the drama is unacceptable.  is tolerance a part of the system still?  didn’t you just say that compromise is no longer allowed?
• is the existence of drama a sign that nothing has changed?  maturity level has not improved?  the optimist says that there has been little improvement.  but is little improvement enough? 
• will things ever improve?  the optimist says it can.  the practical says that people are people no amount of miracle can ever change them.
• accept it, deal with it, whine about it or keep on moving. 
• can i really keep on moving?  in the first place, have i moved at all?  or is all this just a facade?  am i as stuck as i used to and will stay like this as time goes by?
• we only have one family in common.  i regretted letting you become part of that family.  i felt that i shared too much but somehow i have come to realize that you also find refuge in that family.
• you are insecure and so am i.  i want you to feel secure and that is what i did.  can you make me feel secure as well?
• fencesitters.  that’s all we can do for now.  nobody wants to take responsibility.  is it because nobody is prepared?  or is it fear?
• who knew that you can make a choice without even choosing?

without tv, ….

i thought i can make myself study - read the principles of corporate finance and the handouts in management of innovation, but i was wrong.  hahaha. 

the tv in my room decided to retire.  there’s still audio but the monitor is just black.  the pictures will come out every once in a while but most of the time it’s just black.  i don’t know if i should get it fixed or just buy a new one.  my brother is taunting me that it broke down because it was too tired already imagine having to work all night while i sleep soundly.  comments like that are not welcome.  i want my tv back!

anyway, the fact that the tv is now inutile didn’t help with my plans to study.  our report in finance is coming up and innovation midterms is on thursday, i still haven’t read a thing.  the conscientious student that i was when i was younger is no longer existent.  yikes!

what’s my dream?

after being fed with a sumptuous breakfast at the mandarin suites, i forced myself to think of what to share as “my dream”.  i know what my dreams are but i don’t feel comfortable sharing my dreams with my co-workers.  i feel that it’s too intrusive.  there are very few people i can share my dreams with and my co-workers are not one of them.  i’m kinda private and secretive, so i’m not really sure if i have shared my dreams with anyone.

anyway, drfnbtch, kat, this is what i shared with my break-out group:

i want to have an excessive amount of money that will satisfy the equation:

NEEDS    +   WANTS   +   TRAVEL   + GOOD AMOUNT OF SAVINGS

NEEDS
Wala lang, being able to provide for my family i guess.  well, more than enough to provide for their needs that my mom and my dad wouldn’t have to work anymore.

WANTS
Excessive.  high life.  ala-kimora lee simmons.  life in the fab lane.  (this one received laughter from the group)   

TRAVEL
I mean comfortable travel.  first class.  i want to be able to enjoy the local cuisine.