my adhd dilemma

i think i have something like adhd.  i find it difficult to concentrate on one thing for a long period of time.  at work, i can’t do just one thing.  when i do research, i get bored when i browse only for the research topic.  i have to open a lot of tabs for my other surfing needs.  after a certain period of time devoted to researching and surfing, i have this urge to do something else or something more, basta something different.  and since there’s nothing else left for me to do, in front of the computer that is, i get really, really bored. 

when i study, i can’t read assigned cases or readings for a long period of time.  i would have to watch television o kaya every few minutes i would think of food.

my mind is all over the place.  i want to always multi-task.  i have to keep my mind preoccupied with a lot of stuff all the time otherwise i get bored and then eventually it leads to frustration.  i think there are two possible explanations for my adhd dilemma:

explanation # 1: i just get bored easily period

explanation # 2:  i am not in my area of interest.  i can’t sustain my attention because i’m not that interested in the things that i’m involved in. 

i don’t think it’s the first explanation so something can be done about this dilemma.  i just have to find a way to get to that field that interests me.  forces of nature, please, please, please send me an opportunity so i can get there.

heaven

a couple of weeks ago, i told my officemate that she smells terrific (sounds like a commercial hehehe).  she remembered that compliment and last friday she asked me to smell a bottle of perfume.  she asked whether that was the scent i liked however i no longer remember.  anyway, she asked if i liked that scent and i said yes.  apparently her aunt sent her a dozen of those so this morning i had a package of gap heaven - body spray, lotion, and shower gel, waiting for me at my desk.  

it pays to compliment generous people. yey!

ungenerous patron

when everything appears bleak and depressing, is there an aspect in our life that is somehow in a better condition?  or is the when it rains it pours apply - either everything sucks or everything rocks?

last night jo and i spent our dinner whining about our career frustrations. we’re both unhappy about the way things are going at work but for different reasons.  i just won’t elaborate as i don’t want to think about it now. i’m too tired sulking about it.  the good side is, we didn’t talk about our usual dilemma concerning our personal lives.  yeah right!  as if career issues are not as depressing.

life hasn’t been generous lately.  i wonder why?  i hope there’s a good reason behind it and not just a life’s lesson thing. 

….

this has been the nth time that i’ve been trying to post something and yet i come up with nothing.  i have so much that i want to write about but my thoughts are too disorganized to write. 

not amused

i can’t shake off the resentment, dissatisfaction, frustration, angst, bitterness that i feel towards work.  in my efforts to alleviate the bitterness, i went on leave for 2 and a half days.  only the half day was a scheduled leave.  so for this week i only spent two whole days in the office - monday and today.  well, after all that time away from work nothing has changed i still feel bitter.

what in heaven’s name is my problem you might ask?  well, the problem is i feel constricted.  i feel that my current responsibilities are simply not enough.  one, i’m bounded by the job description.  two, tasks and responsibilities are scarce.  even if i want to take on more and i can take on more, there isn’t any more out there. 

i think i have gotten used to this job that it’s no longer challenging. 

pissed at work

we have this employee engagement team in the company.  and if only i can, i’d like to tell them that:  I AM NOT ENGAGED!   but really, this isn’t anybody’s problem but mine.  i have a frustrating job in a depressing team.  i feel imprisoned. 

this isn’t good.  i came in early, went out early for lunch and now i plan to leave early (undertime).  i have to snap out of this pessimistic frame of mind. 

q&a

got this tag from francine.  thanks sis!

1. whats your latest addiction?
- philip pullman’s his dark materials.  i’m now on his third book, the amber spyglass.

2. What are you listening to?
- these are the songs in my on-the-go list: cyclone, the sweet escape, feedback, whine up, no air, please don’t stop the music, umbrella, go girl, hey now now, low, just the way i are

3. How late did you stay up last night and why?
- haven’t slept.  celebrated danie’s birthday last night.

4. Who were you with last friday night?
- all by myself hahahaha.  went home early to “study”.

5. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
- hhhmmm….. i don’t know.  i don’t even know if i’m even ready for one.

6. When is the next time you’ll see your close friends?
- close friend, singular.  my other friends are non-existent because they are in lovey dovey land.  this wednesday we’ll have our regular ube nights.

7. What were you doing this morning at 7am?
- debating with myself if i should sleep or not.

8. What radio station do you listen to the most?
- i don’t listen to the radio anymore.

9. What was the reason you last cried?
- can’t remember the incident but most probably it’s because of frustration.

10. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
- high on drugs?  i don’t think so.

11. What’s the fifth text in your inbox say?
- message from a friend trying his luck to make bola.

12.Where was the last coffee shop u go?
- starbucks in greenbelt

13.Whats ur outfit right now?
- the usual pambahay - comfortable t-shirt (translation: old shirt) and maong shorts

16. What were you doing at 11pm last night?
- we were on our way to a gay bar

17. Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?
- danie

18. Will you be driving in a year?
- i can drive if i want to but i don’t.  it’s hazardous to my mental health.

19. Is there anything that you are craving right now?
- pancakes

20. When did your last hug take place?
- i can’t remember (translation: tigang hahaha.)

22. Have you ever started a sentence with “No offense, but…”?
- not in the past 6months

23. Do you drink tea?
- yes

24.Have you ever been arrested?
- hell no.

25. Have you rode in someone else’s car today?
- nope

26. Have you made a mistake this past week?
- yes, everyday.

27. Who was the last person you texted?
- my mom

28. Are you happy with your life right now?
- not happy but not unhappy either

29. In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence?
- of alcohol?  quite.

30. What’s the connection between you and the last person you texted?
- she’s my mother.

i’m tagging: prof morrie, emcee,  and kat.

words of wisdon from a cold-hearted queen

i had an interesting conversation with s about dealing with relationships.  s has been my friend since grade 5 but we speak more often now that she lives in the states than when she was here.  anyway, i digress.  i asked s if she has ever been broken hearted.  of course, i had to prep her a bit before i asked that super corny question.  i told her that i only asked because i think of her as a stone cold ice queen when it comes to her relationships.

she told me that she did suffer from this pitiful state of the heart when her boyfriend in college cheated on her.  but in my head i was like, college?  college is pre-historic already!?!  maybe she read what was on my mind so she said, “it only takes one for me to learn”.  whoa!  s is really an empowered woman.  she also said that her dad used to be her idol and when she found out about her dad’s second family she was devastated.  from then on, she didn’t forget what guys are.

i feel a bit of bitterness there.  but bitterness made her stronger.  she’s not a man-hater or anything like that.  she cares for her boyfriends but she doesn’t let herself fall.  i think that’s the secret if you want to keep your sanity in the cruel world of relationships.  be close but not too close.  reach out but hold back. 

these past few days…

i’ve been busy and not busy at the same time (if that’s possible).

i tried to recall what i did last friday and could not even remember.  what the heck!  memory loss.  (after five minutes of thinking hard)  ahh, yes that was the day i decided to wear a dress.  the day i wear a dress is usually a day when i don’t expect anything to happen.  i don’t wear a dress when i have plans after work.  that’s probably why i can’t remember my friday.  i went home relatively early that day to my mom’s surprise.  hahaha.

my saturday and sunday were spent as an mba student trying to make sense out of a finance case.  i went all the way to cainta to meet with my groupmates.  as it turns out that all of them live there.  i met them at rob metroeast so we can go together to m’s house.  i think that was my first time in metroeast and most probably not the last.  there are still 5 cases left to work on.  yikes!

yesterday i wasted a lot of time.  i wasn’t in the mood to work so i tried to read the case for innovation every once in a while.  after work, i met with my finance groupmates but we didn’t accomplish much.  i had my favorite cinnamon swirl for dinner partnered with white chocolate mocha.  delicious!   ah yes, i also tried to answer the case questions for innovation before i went to bed.  but again that was a waste of time and electricity. 

today i had meetings here and there.  i worked on the innovation case for later.  i don’t think i was able to come up with a good paper so apologies to my groupmates.  bawi na lang ako next time.     after class, we will again meet for finance.  hay!  aral, aral, aral…

bangs?

i’m thinking of a new hairdo.  i’m very comfortable with my boring one-length hairstyle but i think i miss my long bangs.  

boring hairstyle
advantages:  easy to manage, looks relatively tidy,  hair does not get in the way - does not cover the face or eyes
disadvantage:  boring
look:  old conservative hag

with bangs
advantages:  uhm, nothing really.  just for a change.
disadvantages:  it gets in the way especially when i’m working.  i have to wear little clips to tame the hair. 
look: pa-tweetums

i think i better stick with the old conservative hag hairstyle.  highlights would probably be better.